Secret diary of the only real god: me
by nothingnessla
Summary: I'm Loki. I'm a genius. I'm now human and stuck in Midgard. I hate Thor. And I still have evil plans to take over the Avenger tower.
1. Chapter 1

SECRET DIARY OF THE ONLY REAL GOD. KNEEL IN FRONT OF ME PUNY MORTALS.

Day 1

Odin banned me from Asgard. I am now mortal. I hate him. I hate Thor.

Day 2

I hate Thor.

Day 3

I really hate Thor.

Day 4

I hate Thor.  
Crappy day. Had to find a flat, stupid Tony Stark kicked me out of the tower after I died Captain's America 's uniform in green. I offered to also dye his hair orange and to give him a clover so could stand for Ireland but my proposition was rejected. Thought Logan did offer him a beer afterward. They have no sense of humor.

Day 5

I hate Thor. Jail is a crappy place. Thought I did manage to make all of my fellow co-offenders cry. I felt fantastic afterward. I don't understand why they think that throwing out a woman from a window to stay in her flat is a bad thing. I did the same to Stark and he still invited me back afterward. Stupid midgardians. I had to spend the night there but after a while Stark understood his place and paid to get me out. Or maybe it was because I also made the policemen cry. Whatever.

Day6

I hate Thor. They told me that I am only allowed to stay in the tower if I go see a psychologist to speak about my daddy issues. I don't have daddy issues. That's not true. I hate my dad who betrayed me and lied to me since my childhood and who threw me out of home. You see? Perfectly normal life. I completely don't have daddy issues. Or brother complex. Anyway. I hate Thor.

Day7

I hate Thor. Went to the psychologist. Made her cry. Life is great.

Day8

I hate Thor. Switched all Banner's herbal tea by a strange plant called "weed" I found in Stark's closet. He told me the Hulk loved my aerodynamics when he banged me against the floor. He was stating the obvious. I know I have a great body. Strangely, when Doombots appeared, he didn't manage to Hulk out. It is something I need to investigate. I leave you for a bit, dear diary, those robots are beginning to burn my scrolls. I shall burn them in retaliation.

Back. Noone thanked me! I mean, I just solved the Banner's anger problem, they should at least kneel a little bit! Ungrateful puny humans. They assigned me to bread shopping in retaliation. Poor fools.

Day9

I hate Thor. Went to the bakery today. I think I have a plan. I heard two blond female whispering to each other about the secret power of a weapon named "sexipanties". They said that while wearing them, they felt transformed. As if they could conquer the world. Stupid mortals, the world is mine. Thought such a device could be useful. Asked Stark about where I could find some. He choked on his coffee. Just hearing the word "panty" seems to trigger a fear reaction. Perfect.

Day10

I hate Thor. Went to the panty shop today. When I told the midgardian dwarfs that I wanted an empowering one, they gathered around me, emitting strange giggling sound. They do the same around the man of Iron. It seems to be a natural reaction when they recognize a born leader. Told them to kneel. They answered "whenever you want". I think I have the roots of my new army.

I bought the "sexy white panty with lace and a cute little red button to open all your fantasies" model. Strange name. When I doubted its power, the dwarf in charge told me that with this, all would worship me. My faithful soldiers all agreed.

Back at to make the panty work its magic. When Thor first closed his hand around Mjolnir, he just had to hit the first thing available and it worked. This might abide the same pattern. Threw it to the wall and added vocal incentive for safety measures.  
-I COMMAND YOU TO WORK!  
No result. The panty device is now an ungraceful heap on my floor. Unacceptable.

Day11

I hate Thor. Decided to fish out for information about how to start The Weapon. Got up early and watched "beep bbep and the coyote" with Hulk on the strange square box with little humans on it. He pushed on a red button and his object exploded.I tried to push the red button on the panty. Didn't work. I feel depressed.

Went back to the shop. Told my army that the device wasn't working. Probably a building problem. One laughed at me, telling that I wasn't enough to get the stallion. I handed her one of the small "strings" from the shelves as she obviously wasn't mature enough to play with the bigger weapon. She sorely needed help. It is common knowledge I already conquered the best stallion in Asgard. Even if I don't see what The weapon has in common with a stallion. Mortals are weird.

Day12

I hate Thor. Bored. Covered the landing spot of the man of Iron with suntan oil. He slipped and crashed into Black Widow's flower parterre. He is still trying to hide the damages before she comes back. I feel way better now. I'll try to watch some "TV" with the Hulk to get informations. Back in a minute dear diary.

Found it! We watched a documentary named Superman and I have now my answers. The panty must be worn outside the armor. Like the red one of the Superman. Tried it. It looks good on the green of the armor. Walked in the dining room dressed for battle. The humans collapsed to the floor with jarring sounds. They don't seem to be able to catch their breath. The mission is a success. I won.


	2. Chapter 2

SECRET DIARY OF THE ONLY REAL GOD. KNEEL IN FRONT OF ME PUNY MORTALS.

Day 14

I hate Thor. Stark underlined that the panty isn't a weapon but a tool to "hold your family jewelry, because they're too precious to be left without protection". Asked if I could get the tessaract back to put it in the panty protection. It is after all, mine. They all collapsed again. I think they are trying to fool me. The panty seems if not lethal, at least incapacitating.

Captain of America tried to explain me what those jewelry were. He went as red as a dwarf's fire. Servant Barton muttered something about him melting the man of Iron's heart while blushing. Cornered him when he was napping and launched an experiment to see if he could indeed melt different elements. Was inconclusive with iron, herbs and Former slave's Barton skirt. Anyway. Can't even start a good fire. Could have been useful. Thought the result were positives with butter and ice cube. Tried defrosting my dinner with such a method.

Day 15

I hate Thor. The son of Coul explained me this underwear thing. Tried "boxers" under my armor. It itches. Stark told me that if Thor started to wear them, it is because his "hammer" needed to be held tight, but that I should be ok without. I underlined that if Thor has a hammer, I have a SCEPTER.

Day 16

I hate Thor. The Black Window was assigned as my "lokisitter". This is highly distasteful. Switched all her knifes with sugar canes. She stilled killed her opponent.

Day 17

I hate Thor. Am grounded at the tower. Watched "mission impossible" with Hulk. The Tom from the Cruise explained how to deactivate a bomb. Decided to cut all the red wires in the tower as a preventive measure. I am now mortal and I don't want to explode, thank you very much.

I think the midgardians are trying to kill me. The temperature in the Tower has reached unbearable levels. This might have something to do with me cutting wires in JARVIS central unit box. Stark wants to take us to an "ice cream" shop. As a conscientious Jotun, I offered to let him taste my "iced cream". Had to run the whole hallway to avoid Captain America's shield.

Day 18

I hate Thor. The Tower is still hot. Asked the Black Window to open a bit herself. Is seems that she is in fact named the Black Widow. Am now swimming in Banner's fish tank to avoid her. The water is cold. Feels nice.

Accidentally changed in Jotun form and froze the fishes. Told Hulk it was Black Widow's fault. Danger adverted in both fronts. I feel great.

Day 19

I hate Thor. The Tower is still hot. Decided to definitively sleep in the fish tank. I think they hold a grudge against me. Black Widow brought me to the ice cream shop. Is arsenic a normal savor?

Threat confirmed. I think she is trying to brainwash me. This ice cream thing is delicious. Ate 10 cups of it. Now feels as if I'm going to die. I can't stop thinking of ice cream.

Day 20

I hate Thor. Tried to resist the need but failed. Ice cream... Ate again 10 cups.

Day 21

I hate Thor. Strak refused to fund what he calls my "ice cocacream addiction". Decided to do it myself. Former servant Clint reverently gave me the recipe. I think I am winning him back by the stomach. Note to myself: think of entering a cooking contest to gather followers.

The ice cream was a success. Used the opportunity to redecorate The man of Iron's House floor and walls with cream leftover. Banner hulked out but the Hulk spent his time licking everything. I am a genius.

Day 22

I hate Thor. Went to the ice cream sanctuary again. Bribed Stark with homemade ice cream spiced up with Asguardian mead. He gave me all the gold I wanted. The selling dwarf bowed to me when I commanded her to give 15 cups. Told me I was the king of ice cream. I am pleased that they seem to now understand my royalty status.

Back at home now. Stark is dancing naked on the sofa. Thor is singing with The Widow. Banner is passed out on the floor. Servant Clint got stuck in the ceiling. Avengers defeated.


	3. Chapter 3

SECRET DIARY OF THE ONLY REAL GOD. KNEEL IN FRONT OF ME PUNY MORTALS.

Day 23

I hate Thor. Avengers still defeated by booze abuse. Turned on all the lights at maximum power in the mansion. Asked the invisible Jar of Vices in the ceiling to add some blasting music. Told Stark I wanted to get up early to follow his advice and do some sport. After all, even a God has to fit in his leathers… Rogers approved. Stark had no other choices but to agree with him and even do some pushups to show his good will. I think he cried a bit. I feel fantastic.

Day 24

I hate Thor. Banner decided to go and buy some new citizens for his fish tank. My personal space is now polluted by small scaled animals. I hate it. Banner even bought some algae to "develop a comfortable and livable space" for them. Froze the algae but this time the fished survived. I think Banner suspects something. Told the Hulk that Stark mixed the algae in one of his weird green smoothies. Stark had to put on the suit and fly at 3000 feet to avoid him. The Hulk was trying to jump and catch the tin can. When he began to get bored I told him to motivate him that tony was like a piñata. If he caught the man of iron and shook it, sweets would come out. It lasted the whole afternoon. I feel way better now.

Day 25

I hate Thor. Thought about Banner's plot to evict me of the fish tank. Decided that this "redecorating tendency" was in fact a good idea. Tried to put one of Stark's Picasso in the fish tank. Was stopped by the Pepper in the Pot. Had to dodge high heels through the entire mansion. Something about paint melting when put in water. I have my doubt. Will test this theory.

Seems that water does indeed melt paint. Covered the Hulk with pink and purple dots and told him to roll on the floor. Hope Banner will like his new bedroom style. Serves him right.

Day 26

I hate Thor. The paint won't come off. Coulson offered to design me a pink uniform to go with my new skin color. Threatened to dye his captain America's g string collection pink as retaliation. He apologized.

Day 27

I hate Thor. Am fairly sure that one of the goldfish has the hot for me. He looked at me the entire night. I admit the fact that he is green and silver plays in his favor. Wanted to make him disappear discreetly but Banner is watching me. I have to do it in the midgardian way.

Tried to ask servant Clint about how to decline a courtship in Midgard when the other person was the wrong gender. He told me to "leave clue to emphasize that I wasn't playing in his team". What team supports the goldfish? Tried to sleep with a Dodgers' cap on. It didn't deter him from trying to gob my fingers. I don't think that this is appropriate behavior. Asked Stark about how to sue a goldfish for abuse.

Day 28

I hate Thor. Caught the Hulk watching an adult program. Am in sore need of a therapy. Naked bodies rubbing against each other's, big tails rubbing… mmm… I need to stop drifting. Told the son of Coul that Hulk was watching my little pony. He is too young to know those kinds of things.

Day 29

I hate Thor. This situation with the cold fish can't go on. One of us has to leave the fish tank and it won't be me. I decided to be clear with him. Went to a library store and commanded the dwarf to give me newspapers about horses. The dwarf asked me if I preferred specialized newspaper focusing on race horses or more mainstream ones with pictures. Human have no shame.

Read it in front of the goldfish. No reaction. Gave up on subtlety and explained him clearly the situation. Banner caught me. Am now hiding in one of servant Clint's nest place.

Day 30

I hate Thor. Am still in the ceiling.

Day 31

I hate Thor. Am still in the ceiling. Bored. Told Hawkeyes I made an omelet with his eggs. Strangely the ones who looked mildly frightened were the other avengers. Something about servant Clint really nesting and the fact that little other him might appear.

Day 32

I hate Thor. Am still in the ceiling. Stark asked me if I really slept with a 4 legged animal named horse. Told him that I didn't. Mine had a fifth one….

Day 33

I hate Thor. Got out of the ceiling. Banner told me he got rid of the fish. The fish tank is mine. I won this battle. I feel great.


	4. Chapter 4

Day 34

I hate Thor. Banner is definitively holding a grudge against me. Might have something to do with the goldfish issue. He refused to bring me to buy cooking supply. I hate him. I need ice cream now.

Tried to get back in his good side. Offered him a book about how to cook fishes. The grilled one looked appetizing. He hulked out.

Day 35

I hate Thor. I need some. I need it now! Stark laughed when I told him that I wanted to lick some and was at such a dire state that I even missed the white liquid which often drools from my mouth. Humans are mean. To show him respect to his god, I rubbed the inside of the armor with garlic**. **Even Captain of America refused to approach him. Told him that like this , he completed the iron man : he smelled like tin can spirit. He answered that his Nervana was pretty angry now. I ran.

Day 36

I hate Thor. Stark got JARVIS to lock me in the toilet. Fortunatly has often I was using Banner's. Closer to my fishtank. He Hulked out. Stark had to rebuild some walls and reopen all doors. He still stinks. I feel a bit better now.

Day 37

I hate Thor. This situation can't go on. Stole Clint's arrow to make lokipop with frozen leftover. Pizza plus cookie crumb had a huge success with Hulk.

Clint decided to use forks as a replacement for his arrows. After having to up with Thor using grilled poptarts as cutlery I decided to give them back to Clint. It appears my flavored arrows poisoned doctor doom. It has nothing to do with my culinary skills. I swear.

Day 38

I hate Thor. Found some strange mixture named "wax" in Captain's of America special closet. Asked servant Clint about it. He told me midgardians use it to fit cloth tightly around them. When I told him that it indeed matched why Rogers had it he got red and crying, unable to catch his breath. Servant Clint might be mad… Decided to put some on myself, I might be human now, but there are no reasons to be lazy with my appearance.

I was tricked! It won't come off. Wax is a Midgardian torture tool. Pot of pepper lied to me too and told me she wanted to help. She pulled it out violently leaving my skin aching all over and nude. Treason. I froze the wax. It still is glued to my skin.

Froze Banner's new pet project of stick insects to feel better. Put all the dead bodies inside Pepper's purse. Am still covered with wax. She managed to scare the hulk into apologizing to avoid legal pursuits. If Black Widow tells you that I was scared too, it is an obvious lie. It wasn't drop of sweat, but leftover wax. Discovered that everything stick to me. Sat in one of the son of Coul secret reports. Was fun seeing him running in all the tower to try to find me. Especially since Stark was right behind him because shield converted all their secret files into paper to avoid his hacking. I fell glorious.

Day 39

I hate Thor. With the fish tank water the wax came out smoothly. Am determined. I'll go and buy ice cream supply myself. Just watched OO7 with Hulk. I slick my hair back. I always have style. I fight for a glorious purpose : myself. I did chase my enemies with epic cascades. It is obvious. This Bounded James is just a pale imitation of me. Thought his idea of secret disguises merits some credit. Stole Pot of Pepper's secret relaxed stash of cloths. Am now ready to go shopping. Dear diary, if I'm dead all my legacy will go to the avengers. Especially the** poisoned **delicious poptarts for Thor.

Day 40

I hate Thor. When I arrived at the mall a servant immediately offered to let me taste some of their product. This one knew her place. It was a strange chocolate ointment named "nutella". Finished the whole jar. Decided to buy 15 others. Amazement in front of my glorious needs was surging all around me. I am a god, I know. Some even knelt at my feet. Stark swore that it was because the jar broke when I let it fall for servants to pick up. But this hypothesis doesn't stand a chance. The dwarfs shouted "god damn it!" See, a prayer to me. Reached the booze and chose to try some local beverage. Stark offered to get me hammered. I refused. I want nothing to do with Thor. But tasting local beverage seemed a good idea.

The world is moving and has strange colors in front of my eyes. Told it that between one of us, he'll be the last one standing. The floor bowed to me and got closer to my head as a show of contrition This is better.

I can't move. Am dying. A man dressed in smoking told me Goodbuy and stole my purchases. I hate them all.

Day 41

I hate Thor. Woke up. Feel horrible. My face is covered with mysterious glyphs. I strongly suspect Stark to be the author. Especially with the arc reactor print just in my…I'd better stop here diary. I decided to create the fishtank avengers. My army will rise behind me to avenge my honor.


	5. Chapter 5

SECRET DIARY OF THE ONLY REAL GOD. KNEEL IN FRONT OF ME PUNY MORTALS.

Day 38

I hate Thor. This is a glorious day to be remembered in all memories and carved in unbreakable stone (if you ever read my diary Banner, this comment is aimed at you). Earlier in the morning, convinced Rogers that the TV remote was the new Stark phone. Even the Hulk giggled when he saw him beginning to insult it as Tony wasn't answering. Everyone knows that a remote is a tool to play "smash the TV". Stupid leader of America.

Decided to eat chocolate ice cream and watch the Big Brother. JARVIS denies any filiation relationship with it but it is pretty obvious that they have the same voyeuristic tendencies. That or it says things about Tony Stark that I'd rather not know. Was struck by an idea like a **lightning bolt**, like an energy ray from my fabulous scepter. Found the one true method to rule them all: I'll create my own TV show.

Day 39

I hate Thor. Rogers refuses to speak to Stark after the TV remote incident. Stark is sulking and trying to get ice cream poisoning. Offered him a new reactor core in iced mint to speed up the process. He refused. Ungrateful humans.

Asked Pepper from the Pot about how to appear in television. She answered that I should do like Stark and blow the mind of some guy with my big scepter on a video tape. This might explain why Stark was immune to the tessaract. I already did that to servant Clint. Starting a show shouldn't be a problem.

Day 40

I hate Thor. Just chose the subject of my show. It will be titled "the god of missed chiefs". I'll show those retarded midgardians the wonders of Asgard's culinary culture. Banner refused to let me hunt in his new fish tank. Told me to go and fetch something in the freezer. I froze his fishes and told him that indeed they were now in a freezer. He Hulked out.

Am now hiding in the man of iron's basement. Decided to tackle the matter by going to the nearest forest. Found one of Stark's two legged mechanical horse (it seems that they are named "motorcycles". Told it to start. Even asked politely. It refused. Tried to **appater** it with some fresh motor oil. Still no movement. Stubborn animal. Hit his side with my hand to get it to move. Hurt myself. Switched to a metal bar lying around. This might be the type of riding crop to use. Slightly destroyed the **carrosserie**. Not my fault at all. It just had to obey me. Wrote a note "Thor did it" and stuck it in the top of the motorcycle. Stark should be fooled.

Day 41

I hate Thor. Servant Clint accepted to take me to the forest hunting. This "park" seems promising. Clint offered to buy me a hot dog. Told him that sleipnir was the only one for me. Climbed on a tree to get a better view of the place. Told Clint I found some members of his family. He denied humming birds were his cousins. I don't believe him. Both are loud and **piallant, **the **resemblance **is striking. Found the perfect place to catch fishes. A little **mare **with running water, high sun exposure and thousands of kids dumping crumbs of bread on it: servant Clint told me it was named a fountain. Took off my boots and began the hunt. Wasn't able to catch a single thing. Asked the humming hawk to fire some arrows for me. He refused. Ungrateful slave. After all I did for him… I bombed him with bread crumb. He actually tried to eat some before he caught himself and fled. I don't even need a DNA test to prove who his** ancêtres** are. I am a genius.

The mortals are looking at me strangely. Was able to hunt some more fishes with my dagger but some mothers began to insult me. I am their god, they should show respect to my wonderful self. Wait, dear diary. I got it! This is related with Banner's comment. Always take your food from the freezer.

Banner lied. Was arrested. Again. Stark had to bail me out. Again. Asked the police if I could just buy a "best client" card with Stark's money. I'm tired of spending the night there. Policemen charged me for "unauthorized ice skating" and "goldfish murder". Pleaded not guilty. Thought I did offer them to switch "murder" with "genocide". This word has such a catchy sound. Matches my god nature.

Day 42

I hate Thor. I understood where I failed. Did some research. It appears that humans keep their food stock within "zoos". Decided to go and check on the aquarium part.

It was a trap. The fishes are following me everywhere. . I showed the fishes my **canne à pêche **to scare them away. They only got closer to me. Option 1, they have suicide tendencies. I gave them the number of this therapist Stark wanted me to go to. Just in case. Option 2, they might see me as prey. Natasha told me some fishes can eat humans. She didn't precise what kind. Banner never warned me. I'm sure he hired the goldfish to try to kill me. Thought this isn't logical. Why would he want to do that? I mean, I'm perfect. This leaves the third option. The only valid one. The fishes are minions wanting to join my army.

Day 43

I hate Thor. Stole the man of iron's armor and packed it with water and the aquarium's fishes. I need to gather my troops at the tower. My fish tank is now full. Together we will conquer this world.


End file.
